Everything I touched at work, every phone call and mostly every interaction I had with another human being resulted in a manifestation of anger of some sort. Typically, I am not an angry person although my Libra scales get tipped in the wrong direction once in a while. I tend to fly off the handle for about thirty seconds and then I regroup leaving behind a trail of anger crumbs for anyone who has been lucky enough to witness my ‘temporary-insanity-defense’ worthy behavior. My wife refers to those moments as ‘the times when I have to hold my liver in my hands.’
Most people I work with will tell you that I am usually quite amiable in a very structured, composed sort of way. Most people whom I know socially, will tell you that I am a plethora of contradictions, difficult to pigeon-hole and often-times surprising in my behavior. In my head I am difficult and often times quite dark in my thinking; conversely, on the exterior, I focus on the positive and on the light. I never quite understood where this dichotomy came from until I realized that my anger or duplicity stems from the conflict between my right and left brain. In short, I’m not to blame.
After taking a left and right brain assessment at work, I was told that I was a cross between Salvador Dali and Mr. Spock. I was further told that I embrace art and logic with the same fervent emotional reactions. Furthermore, my report reads, “and while emotion is not usually prevalent within someone so inherently logical, when going with his gut he uses a combined, scaled approach to arrive at a decision, one made with both a moral, tangible concern for others and a meticulous approach to reasoning.”
Basically, my right and left brain are at war with each other and therefore I have spurts of malaise that surface when the two hemispheres living in my cranial area decide to argue. I’m like the child in the middle of a custody battle between two very strong parents. Each day I embark on two journeys, each navigated by the left and right brainwaves, taking me to places where my Garmin GPS would never dare: re-calculating, re-calculating (I hear Woman’s English Voice One say). One path satisfies my successes at work, my ability to execute in business and to manage groups of people to achieve desired results; the other path leads to the writing of this blog, to the design of a logo for a friend’s new business, to complete the chapter of a novel I’m writing or to find humor, wit and word art in everyday, mundane things.
I’ve often wondered which one I like best and while Juan-1 and Juan-2 are both compelling human beings, I think I like Juan-3 best: the one born when J1 and J2 have to coexist within the same day. There are ample opportunities in my day where creativity sits at the table with logic and where deductive reasoning meets inspirational resolve for a drink. It is because of this inner struggle that many of these posts are written and it is because of this conflict that I find odd, productive solutions to the things that perplex me in life. My love of math and how I equate it to relieving stress is but one of the facets in my personality that make me different. I can’t explain why solving the algebraic quadratic formula gives me joy rather than heartburn, but it does.
If being both right and left brained perpetuate my moments of anger yet allow me to succeed in complementary arenas of my existence (work and play, science and art, math and music, etc.), then I am going to embrace my anger and take it with me on this road through life. This head of mine will have to store one collaborative congress without deference to left or right weighing on the outcome of my life events. Even Democrats and Republicans, who willingly take the left or right position, want to live in a democratic society. I will follow suit and I will continue to fight the fight. After all, the fight is mine to fight and besides, it’s only in my head.