They feel quite uncomfortable amid the comfortable terrain.
I walk in and lay on my charm in the only way I know how – loudly, using noise as a shield. I should be at ease, these are my people, this is one of my safe spaces – but there is a veil of discord hanging in the balance, the anti mistletoe that promotes quiet and distance, that commands obligatory pecks on the cheek in an effort to dispel awkwardness.
It is subtle, unseen and scarcely tangible, but I can feel its presence the minute I enter the room.
It saddens me because my feet have walked thousands of miles and forged a varied history with this crew. It is upon these souls where my life story has been displayed across the canvas of their own lives – they are the tellers of my story in their voice, through their eyes and from their vantage point. In return, I have done the same for them and at times, still do.
But this night is different and the difference is one that tires my feet because the pretense affects my Libra balance. I choose to stand most of the night because sitting feels like a defeatist move, almost acknowledging that by taking a seat I have thrown in the towel (which in fact, I think I have).
I look around the room and entertain my thoughts with the irony of this situation, evoking a line from a play I saw many suns and moons ago – ‘How in the light of one night, did we come so far?’
Who knew I would be wearing my Christmas shoes as I traveled the road from awkwardness to ambivalence and furthermore, who knew that they would not sustain me on my journey?
Christmas shoes are meant to be worn across happy places and to cross roads of joy and laughter. This is the time where all good things converge, where the best of family is enjoyed and the people we’ve chosen to stand alongside of our history are to be treasured. This is not a time for conflict or uncertainty – this is one of those specks of time that blends with the mundane and generates that which we call happy.
So I did something. I looked around the room and looked for my forever constant; surprisingly, there was more than one and I was reminded of the ridiculousness that can be conjured by the minds of perpetual seekers. I walked my tired feet to a better, more pleasant place, only feet away, but already bathed in a light of comfort that warmed my heart.
Now my Christmas shoes are doing what they need to do and my tired feet are merely tired because my soul is doing an everlasting dance of joy.