Her Gain My Loss

I’m thinking a cat or two might do it. 

I continue to discover allergies as I go down the path of old age and my body rejects most items inhabiting my environment. 

Perfume and cologne are deadly. Strong scented candles deprive me of oxygen and numb my lips. Any soap other than Ivory burns my skin. Detergents must be free of fragrances or I will be scratching all over like the cat I mentioned before. 

My wife does not understand allergies. 

She was born with impenetrable, element-proof skin that can withstand anything: creams, lotions, body wash, etc. I put on hand lotion and an hour later my hands are beet red and my skin is peeling off. 

My wife has witnessed this. Still, she doesn’t understand allergies. 

Her favorite scent in the entire world is Gain. Yes, Gain, like the laundry detergent. I guess it must transport her to some garden of fresh flowers from her childhood in Hialeah where all things bloomed better than in the rest of the world. 

I hate the scent of Gain. I see Gain and immediately I see watery, puffy eyes, oxygen masks, welts on my skin and a dose of Singulair.

Unfortunately, my wife loves, loves, loves, loves Gain more than she loves, loves, loves me. That one degree less of love makes me a victim in her garden of flowers and I may as well be a scarecrow waiting for Dorothy to take me off my perch and also try to kill me in a field of Poppies. 

Last night, as I’m getting ready for bed and changing into a comfy t-shirt, I could smell the flowers. I could feel my skin reacting to the poison covering my body and I could see my wife ignoring how her Gain was my loss. Laundry had been washed in Gain and my complaints and need for Free detergents was ignored…again.

If there was an allergy pill that could unbreak my heart I needed it then.  

Instead, I wore the shirt, dealt with the watery eyes, the clogged sinuses and the itching. I gave up and decided it was best to show her the impact of the allergies and step up my game. 

I’m getting her a cat or two..

I figure that with cats in the house, I will eventually show enough symptoms for her to care. 

Of course, I may be wrong and bringing cats into the house might be just another step in her plot to make me a…




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