And It Never Will

Waking up this morning and the inevitable math rushes to my brain

Third anniversary

Three years gone

It seems much too quick, much too real and by far, much too long

Absence cannot be measured in hours, days or years

It is a permanent state

Forever binding the calendar

Forever standing still in time

I don’t know that missing you for anyone is any easier

Acceptance joins the fold but even that is a stretch

We wish you were here

Plain and simple

Each new event in our lives is marked with the question:

What if you were still here?

Faith tells us you are

Hope tells us you are

Reality draws a different picture and we have to fight the real

We have to rely on what we know will come

We have to hold on to memories

We have to treasure the moments given

We have to think on what was and what one day will be


Today marks three notches on this feeling of numb

The complexity of grief manifesting itself in our history

The tangible loss taking room in the rooms where once you walked

How dare your silent way make such a loud noise now that you are gone?

Love and affection do this to us

Love holds on from the basic firmament of our core

We can’t help but be human

We are flawed, selfish and at times inconsolable

So the math and the number should make sense

But the equation is far more complex and logic strains to please

We miss you

We wish you were here

We’d love you back

And while their is solace in the faith based eternity promised by clergy

Today is frozen solid on this conscious earth we inhabit

The earth where your shadow does not grace the corners of our walk

The earth that let you leave toward a higher depth of healing

The earth where you touched and met these souls who mourn for you

The earth that contains your mortal being for a mother and a wife to place flowers on your grave

The earth that misses you more than can be written or said or cried

This is what three years means

And like the void you left behind, the math doesn’t add up

And it never will


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